My 2011 in Facebook status updates
31 December, 2011 § 1 Comment
Here it is, a selection of my favorite or most meaningful Facebook status updates from the year 2011. Many of them are meaningful because they indicate a vacation or an event, whereas some are considered “favorites” simply because sometimes I’m hilarious. One particular post, from November 17th, is notable because as of right now it has a grand total of 2,697 comments. I hope you enjoy reading these almost as much as I enjoyed going back through my timeline and reading every. damn. one. of my Facebook posts for the last 365 days.
01 January 2011
Herpe gnu YARRRRR
Holly says I should start a blog. Like, the professional kind. I don’t think I’m smart enough for that.
Hey there, it’s snowing!
If Voldemort and a velociraptor had sex, the result would be James Carville.
Enjoyed True Grit. Now enjoying dinner.
Today I learned that the color orange is named after the fruit, and not the other way around. I think I may have known that already, but today I posted it on Facebook for the first time so there you go.
I’ve grown bored with Al Roker telling me what’s going on in my neck of the woods.
First Holly poured beer all over me, and then I poured beer all over myself.
01 February 2011
Don’t get me wrong, I love inclement weather. That is, until it wakes me up (and keeps me awake) due to the constant barrage of ice falling against my bedroom window. Click. Click. Click click click click clickclickclickclickclickCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK…
I had a dream last night about the most magnificent sandwich.
We just drove halfway across the damn state of Texas and only saw ONE leaning cowboy.
Now I know what it feels like to be dry-humped by Roethlisberger.
Coffee and duck for breakfast at Rathskeller.
So happy there’s an Angry Birds update. Gives me something to do while my car defrosts.
Congrats, people of Egypt.
If it feels like a slice of ham, don’t wipe your ass with it.
Holly and I made a band on Guitar Hero. It’s called Death Pants. Our drummer is a ninja named Dick Wink, our singer wears a coat of armor and is named Lance Allott. The two characters Holly and I play are reminiscent of Robert Plant and Janice Joplin – their names are Bob Vines and Janet Joplin.
Congratulations to my brother Garrett and his new fiancee Kristen!
01 March 2011
I accidentally the whole tub of spaghetti.
I just ate an awful lot of cabbage. Be glad you’re not Holly tonight.
And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But they shall be for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf. – Genesis 1:22
Everybody is gross to me.
My worms are marinating in the fridge.
So many compliments on my tie today!
Holly just forced me to finish four bottles of liquor.
Elizabeth Taylor just died. FIRST
REO @ Billy Bob’s in Ft. Worth
Bedtime story: just read Leviticus 15:19-30 to Holly.
01 April 2011
Roy thinks he’s SO funny.
Change of plans. I’m using WordPress instead of Blogger. In order to be a contributor I think you need to set up a WordPress account. Do it and send me the email address you used to register.
One can Fresca + 2 shots vodka + 1 shot gin
08 April, 2011: the day I began to acquire a taste for coleslaw.
New show on ABC called “Happy Endings.” Liked it.
Jesus doesn’t love me. He’s just using me for the sex.
I love the ominous growl our coffee maker emits when you remove the pot for the first time after brewing.
It’s Thursday, Thursday. Something something Thursday.
There is no finer sound than that of a freshly-strung guitar.
I accidentally FOUR PIZZAS.
Eberprovo, dos are up la but it lies! Oh we dodo-oh, so we Jesus and a wheel yay!
01 May 2011
I think Holly and I just got our first ever package delivered by Royal Mail, “par avion,” from Great Britain.
DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS?
As far as we know, Osama bin Laden is now romancing 72 virgins in Heaven.
The more I read and learn about Horus and Mithra, the more embarrassing I find it that over two billion people still believe in them.
Sharks don’t kill people. People with sharks kill people.
And let’s face it: “Fancy Hollywood Frogs” is pretty much the greatest name for a blog, ever.
In-n-Out Burger opened today. The drive-thru line impeded my drive to work.
I love when Holly makes her own Rice-a-Roni. More like Rice-a-Holly. It’s so much better than that San Francisco crap. In fact, that should be their new slogan. “Rice-a-Roni: the San Francisco crap.”
Turns out I’m working ’til 10 on Saturday. Hope your rapture party runs late.
First ever Irish car bomb. Justine got pwnt.
Looks like Slim Jim finally snapped into HIM. Or something probably more clever than that.
I’m wearing my pretty pink panties today. Only one way for you to see ’em. Ball’s in your court, Jesus.
TORNADOES AND COOKIES
02 June 2011
Some kid just asked me if lions have tusks. Now I want a tattoo of a tusked lion so next time I can say “this one does.”
Dr. Kevorkian died this morning, without anybody’s help.
I can’t spell it, but I have it.
Saw a wasp today. Died a little inside.
Upload to YouTube in progress. This one’s a doozy at nearly ten minutes long.
Is Hoda a man?
04 July 2011
Ah, Independence Day. Remembering that time Paul Revere warned the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin’ sure as he rode his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.
Betty Ford died today – she was eaten by a pack of wolves. She was delicious.
We don’t all make the best decisions in life, all the time, but I just combined cinnamon schnapps, Kahlua, and spiced rum in one glass and I couldn’t be more pleased with myself.
I just realized Stephen Baldwin is following me on Twitter. Curious, indeed.
Wow, what a rush – I should spill coffee on myself EVERY morning!
I love how I can loudly threaten Holly with violence in a public place and nobody so much as bats an eye.
Holly and I pillaged Borders today.
Today someone compared me (and my songs/singing) to Tom Lehrer. Today I was flattered.
Dumpster was full yesterday, dumpster is empty today. You can’t explain that!
Holly: “Let me explain these cookies-”
Me: ‘”Yes, how DARE you come home with cookies and no explanation!”
Me: “What’s the purpose of a bear?”
Holly: “To eat all the other things.”
01 August 2011
On the one hand, it’s nice to know my wife is still more girly than me – she woke me up because of a bug.
If today was my last day and tomorrow was too late, I still wouldn’t willingly listen to Nickelback.
Weird, all of a sudden I feel like somebody ought to punch Nicki Minaj in the face.
Holly: “I wish I had that natural ability to know when to be cute. Oh, I do!” *strikes a pose*
Me: “You know what’s cuter? Making me breakfast.”
When all the food you serve is fried, stages will collapse.
From what I’ve seen, Republicans are about as willing to share their civil liberties as they are their money.
My problem with religion is that it dares to tell us that all people are -not- equal.
TopGolf and tacos today. Word up.
Holly just made a margarita all up in my face.
Cats are booked. Limo’s booked. Plane’s booked. Hotel’s booked. Spago’s booked. All that’s left is to wait another 20 days and wake up on time.
04 September 2011
Went to Pete’s tonight. Tom Green dropped in and played drums for a couple songs. The extremely high-quality photograph I’ve attached is proof.
My only complaint about Brad Pitt is that he chose Angelina Jolie instead of me.
I’ve decided to watch the Batman movies in reverse order, starting with Batman & Robin. This way, it tells the exciting tale about how Batman gradually becomes less lame.
CNN headline: “Texas declared disaster area.” This isn’t news, CNN. I could’ve told you that a long time ago.
In memory of the tragic events that took place ten years ago today, Holly and I are watching Team America: World Police. America. Fuck yeah.
Endless shrimp: challenge accepted.
Why is Oktoberfest in September? To “welcome” October. The official Oktoberfest celebration begins this weekend and lasts into the first week of October. Since beer could not be brewed during the summer months (pre-refrigeration), Oktoberfest was originally when all the older beer stocks (from March) were finished off to make room for new brews.
No more days!
I go, Holly goes, we both go to Spago!
I don’t know if I said this already, but even if I did I didn’t emphasize it enough: LOVE by Cirque du Soleil was one of the most incredible things I’ve seen in a long time.
You can’t judge a book by its cover, unless the cover says “Twilight” on it.
01 October 2011
My stance on religion isn’t so much “I’m right” as it is “you’re wrong.”
So Steve Jobs died.
A lot of times I say things because, let’s face it, it’s just the internet.
I wish Anderson Cooper really would kiss the top of my head and tell me how cute my hair is, just like he did in my dream the other night.
Fridge made a funny noise. Freyja and I both turned and looked at each other accusingly.
I’m on a horse.
I would like to murder the guy who invented fruit flies.
Off to the State Fair are we.
Happy end of the world! Erm, again.
Is it better to be pissed off than pistachios?
I don’t believe gods exist. I’m open to the possibility they exist but given our scientific, medical, sociological, and engineering breakthroughs, even if a god exists it should be considered largely unnecessary. Likewise I don’t believe a Biblical Jesus ever existed, although I’m open to the possibility that a human man with a similar name once existed, and whose deeds were greatly exaggerated.
My “getting ready for work” ritual doesn’t typically include taking off makeup from the night before.
I don’t always drink beer. Wait, yes I do.
I shaved my face totally clean (goat and all – for the first time since 2004) for the Halloween party Friday night. I shaved it totally clean again just now in preparation for No-Shave November. Now my beard on November 20th will be pure. PURE.
02 November 2011
I AM ALL THE WAY EXCITED TO SEE THE NEW MUPPET MOVIE
We didn’t feel the earthquake in Northwest Allen.
Dammit, I thought alcohol was supposed to make my headache go away.
Let’s take the Christ-myth out of Christmas.
My poor, tired car drove its 100,000th mile today.
Holidays are when the whole family gets together to drink.
I don’t shop on Black Friday, because I prefer not to be associated with all the crazy people who shop on Black Friday.
So it’s occurred to me that people will comment on links I post that they disagree with, which may even lead to a debate, but nobody seems to comment on links I post when they agree with the content. The message this gives me is that harmony is boring.
Today I posed for a family who was on a photo scavenger hunt. They needed a picture of “a man with a beard.”
I’M BACK BITCHES
That was the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational thing I’ve seen in a long time.
I accidentally a cake.
05 December 2011
Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.
It’s a chili n’ beer kinda night.
I found M’aiq the Liar. I win Skyrim.
Let’s rename next weekend’s holiday ‘Hitchmas,’ in honor of a man who actually did exist.
Me, in a text to Holly: “Kim Jong Il is dead. I hope that doesn’t ruin the party.”
Gosh, it’s hard to believe my amazing wife Holly is already 26 years old. Time goes by so quickly!
I told somebody at work today that I look older than I am because I have crows’ feet around my eyes because I love smiling.
When we have children, I think I’d like to play the Santa game with them. When they learn Santa is not a real person, we will celebrate their inquisitiveness and skepticism. From then on, “Santa” may continue to be a role, rather than an actual mythological gift-giver. This will teach our children about sharing and tradition.
Muppets From Space was released over a decade ago. Holly and I finally saw it tonight for the first time.
Things shaped like dinosaurs just taste better. Pasta? Yeah, pasta’s good, but DINOSAUR-SHAPED PASTA? THAT’S AWESOME.
The Jerry Springer Show: keeping racial stereotypes alive since 1991.
You think you’re better or more deserving of rights and riches than anybody else? Fuck you, you’re not.
2011 is the year I realized how grateful I am to have not been pepper sprayed.
Tonight I will show every last one of you what it means to bring sexy back.